Dear Readers, Welcome to SC Musings Blog 9,
I come to you with Blog 9 after 3 packed weeks- an extra week in between due to the election holiday. Beginning my journey to Bengaluru on the 6th April, proceeded to Shirdi and Chennai, and came back to Coimbatore on the 12th night by the Vande Barath, train. Then came the immersion in NG workshops, training and operations; Training in Taichi for Energy with Master Trainers Kartikey & Sylvia and the Grand Master (my title) Dr. Lam was the highlight. Energy flows, tiredness recedes and learning accelerates in Dr. Lam’s (even online) presence.
In Blog 9 we will:
- Re-visit and summarize Psycho-Social boundaries
- Explore connections between boundaries, communication and relationships and
- Identify strategies for regulating and managing our boundaries, effectively and efficiently.
Re-visiting and summarizing
We have journeyed through Psycho-Social boundaries using the NG Holistic Model of a Human Being, Ego States, and my narrative. Here I am recalling a few significant features of Psycho-Social boundaries:
“Boundaries between the layers in the NG Holistic Model are useful for enhancing our self-awareness; this happens when we become conscious of our feelings like anxiety, fear, anger, sadness etc. and name these feelings. When the boundaries are enmeshed, we are totally unaware of what’s happening within, and how we are impacting others and the context… A free flow of energy between the 6 layers in time and space contributes to a well-balanced person, who is comfortable with Self, sensitive to Others, and in tune with the Environment”
“Physical boundaries indicate ownership, and serve to contain and control entrances and exits…However, Psycho-Social boundaries are often intangible and not clearly defined. They are determined biologically, socially, and culturally and change over time…Clinging to these boundaries over time often result in unpleasantness and pain, stunting growth and development.” (Musings, March, 2024).
“Our emotional expression is determined by our social conditionings and the reverse also takes place; that is, we interpret social norms and adapt them to suit our psychological propensities.” (Musings, April, 2024).
Let’s delve into how Psycho-Social boundaries determine our communication and relationships, with 2 case-studies.
Anand* grew up learning to value his siblings more than himselfthis value was infused in him by his parents and tradition. After marriage, when his children came into the scene, Anand’s struggles began. He had to choose between taking care of his family or attending to his siblings; this intense struggle plunged him into a deep clinical depression. Medication, counselling, his efforts and immediate family’s support, helped Anand manage and then totally transcend his depression.
Task oriented and powered by ambition to be independent and succeed, Rani* was a successful professional. However, she lived alone, and longed for companionship after her children moved out and husband passed away. Rani felt her emptiness acutely, and tried to connect with a few people around. However, the gap between her and those around seemed very huge to bridge, so she somehow dragged on in life.
Meek and submissive, Anand’s body language and appearance indicated vulnerability, and came out in his communication as helplessness. Hunched shoulders and sad eyes added to his sense of victimhood. Feeling one down in relationships, especially with his siblings, Anand desperately craved understanding. However, with
difficulty he learned the importance of Psycho-Social boundaries to protect his own family and himself. Anand’s relationships with his wife and children improved as alignment of his Psycho-Social boundaries changed. He also began to experience peace and happiness, and moved out of victimhood. The temptation to slip into his boundary less patterns still lurks, reported Anand, but, he has learnt strategies to recognize and move beyond.
Rani on the other hand was experienced as out-spoken and aggressive, which distanced even her close family members; boundaries became barriers, isolating her. She displayed control and power in her communication, which was seen as rigidity. Rani’s rigid boundaries spilled out in her communication, even when she attempted to be flexible.
We can now see that Anand’s boundaries were lax while Rani’s were firm and uncompromising, which in turn reflected in their communication and relationships.
Strategies: Managing, Regulating, Realigning Boundaries
Moving on to strategies to manage and regulate boundaries seems like a humongous task. I am not talking about the process of MRR Managing, Regulating and Realigning, but encapsulating them into points in this Blog 9.
Yes, MRR is a relatively simple and uncomplicated process- so where is the difficulty? Why did Anand struggle for years with depression and victimhood? Why is Rani still struggling in relationships? Here is a simple, straight and to the point answer.
MRR is experienced as difficult and a struggle because our PsychoSocial memories become deeply embedded in our Physical layers (NG, 2024) where logic, learning and education do not penetrate easily. These memories translate into Behaviours, which in turn draws the Spiritual layer; total energy of the human system is engaged in maintaining status quo, which is what is commonly known as the comfort zone.
Moving away from the comfort zone feels like a loss of identity to most of us, and that is the real difficulty.